What the Lester?
Man. Myth. Riddle wrapped in an enigma.
The fictional concoction of our collective imagination, there are many facts known about the man we call Lester. None of them useful. Some of them slightly amusing.
Enjoy perusing our archive of 'Lester Facts' and make sure to like our Facebook page to keep up with new ones as we spurn them out in a drunken haze.
We have grouped them into themes for your convenience - click 'read more' to view the list of facts in each section.
Lester objected to this, as he hates any form of organisation, but we did it anyway. We live in constant fear that he finds out.
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Animals
Lester loves animals, but they often fear and despise him due to his pungent odour. He raised a business of ferrets in the early 80s, with all of them escaping except one, which stayed in order to spend it’s life expressing it’s hatred of him. No animals were harmed in the writing of this section... 1) Lester doesn't believe in ferrets. 2) Lester is 7.43 times more reckless than Evil Knievel and can often be spotted trying to jump insurmountable distances on the back of his Doberman, Lance. The RSPCA is extremely concerned and have launched an investigation. 3) Lester invented cat litter, so that felines everywhere could throw it across the floor. Little bastards. 4) Lester let the dogs out. 5) On a recent trip to New York, Lester strangled a pigeon to death after it ate some bread he dropped on the floor by accident. Lester was unavailable for comment. 6) Lester can provoke a most cats into deep thought about existentialism by asking one question.... 7) Lester spends his Thursday afternoons in the forest hunting the smartest meat there is…
Culture
Lester has left an indelible impact upon Western culture. His influence can be felt in all mediums of art starting with the letter ‘U’ and he has a longstanding commitment to supporting the bagpipe trade. He knows how much they annoy you. And it delights him. 1) Michael Fish wants Lester dead. 2) Lester is an avid fan of Countdown and claims to have seen every episode ever broadcast. However, in all the years he has been playing along at home, with a milky cup of tea and a biscuit by his side, he has only ever come up with one actual word: "kitten". It is an anecdote he regularly tells at parties and political galas the world over. 3) Lester uses what little spare time he has to write Coronation Street fan fiction. He has submitted many scripts to the producers of the show, but they have all been roundly rejected as apparently a Ken Barlow "bath salts-induced killing spree" was deemed "not entertaining at all". He has been asked many times to stop but Lester is not a man who takes no for an answer. 4) Lester has the world's most extensive collection of Orson Welles memorabilia, the centrepiece of which is an industrial sized spit roast used for the preparation of large game. 5) Lester has no memory of the year 1997, which he lost in a bet over a game of British bulldogs, along with a golden Alan Shearer Power Pod, all his Pokémon cards and his dignity. This remains - by some distance - the single worst day in his life. 6) Lester is fully able to time travel and has visited October 21st in the years 2015, 1985 and 1885. When asked if he was willing to allow movie rights to this amazing feat, Lester declined. Nobody has told him yet. 7) Lester once wrote and produced an off-Broadway musical entitled "Titanic on Ice". It flopped spectacularly and was panned for being "utterly incoherent, historically inaccurate, and also weirdly and very specifically insulting towards the people of Monserrat." 8) Lester and HRH Elizabeth II are no longer on speaking terms after some "unpleasantness". Both Lester and the Palace refuse to comment, but it is speculated that it began with a fracas over Lester double dipping a Dorito in her majesty's guacamole. 9) Lester is fluent in mandarin, French, Dutch, Swedish and Russian, yet refuses to learn the words "yes", "thank you" or "sorry" in any of them. He has only recently learned them in English, quickly replacing them with "no", "about time" and "your fault anyway".
Neuroses & Idiosyncrasies
Lester’s psychology has been the subjects of almost perennial intrigue, speculation, and scientific debate. Academics and pre-eminent psychologists have toiled in vain to label him. The closest anyone has ever come to accurately describing his nature was the barman in Lester’s local, who refers to him as a ‘complete arsehole’. 1) Lester only eats things which are bigger than his head. 2) Lester Brown is not a real person. He's the fictional concoction of four people who are riddled with personal problems but also play in a band together. 3) Each day at precisely 5:25, Lester stops whatever misdeed he is carrying out, faces Edinburgh, and prays to Sean Connery. 4) Like a chipmunk, Lester can squeeze a big mac in each cheek, with room to slide a chicken supreme down the middle. This freakish and quite frankly dangerous talent has won him somewhere in the region of £220,000 in bets over the years. Needless to say, he has never had any intention of paying tax on these winnings. 5) Lester fears nothing more in this world than Darth Vader, despite it being explained to him on countless occasions that Darth Vader is a fictional character. 6) Lester once killed a man. Luckily, it was in the Thunderdome, and he was duly rewarded for his barbarism and savagery.
Philosophy & Politics
Many consider Lester a political figure. This is entirely inaccurate. Whilst he has influenced countless elections, altered the trajectory of empires, and graced the halls of kings, queens, warlords and despots, none of it was ever intentional. His assistant, Duane has suggested that Lester’s magnetic effect on the world’s most influential leaders is due to his undeniable Rasputin-like qualities. 1) Lester cured the common cold in 1974, he just doesn't think we've deserved it yet. 2) Although missing from this year’s Forbes list, Lester is vastly wealthy and could, through the ill-gained profits acquired through various multi-national rackets, swindles and bamboozles, quite easily bail out most failing economies. However, he refuses to get involved in the matter, as he believes his wealth is better spent on gluten free yoghurt. Lester doesn't know what gluten free is, but assumes it grants the consumer godlike powers. 3) Lester believes in nothing. Especially not Nihilism. 4) Lester refuses to acknowledge the sovereignty of Liechtenstein and has tabled numerous motions to the UN and NATO claiming that it was formerly known as ‘Lesterstein’ and was unfairly taken from him in one of those Nigerian prince email scams. 5) Lester beat the devil. 6) Lester does not understand the concept of democracy and, as such, routinely attempts to vote for himself by crudely adding an extra box to the ballot with his name alongside.
Sports
Lester loves sport. The promise of injury and failure bring him to a fever pitch of excitement and anticipation. Furthermore, he considers just about everything ‘sport’. He routinely awards himself trophies and medals for things such as setting a personal best for time spent staring directly into the sun. 1) Lester is unbeaten at WrestleMania, however none of his matches have ever been shown due to their brutal nature. It's real to Lester, damnit! 2) In 2015, Leicester City sensationally won the English Premier League. For months afterwards, Lester was convinced that people were referring to him and still demands to know why this ‘Jamie Vardy’ tosser gets all the credit. 3) On more than once occasion Lester has publicly accused Hulk Hogan of ripping him off. No one is quite sure what the Hulkster is meant to have stolen from Lester, but most people suspect it to be Lester's signature look (silken, chinaman-like hair and the skin of a hot dog) and over use of the word "brother". 4) In his spare time, Lester plays centre midfield for Weston Super-Mare AFC. He is known among non-league circles for two things; his goal celebrations, which involve elaborate props and stage lighting and his obsession with diving headers, no matter the height of the ball. 5) Lester, not Gary Lineker, was supposed to be the host of Match of the Day. However, his analysis on a pilot show was considered grossly biased towards Tranmere Rovers, despite them not even appearing on the coverage.